Coté Goes to Vegas
(Orginally published in The Vulgar.)
Vegas is a cash pit, and anyone who tells you otherwise -- "You can get free meals and drinks!" -- either ain't been there, or was too shitfaced to remember how much money they pulled out of the ATMrightinthefuckinglobby at 2AM.
That's right, partner, this ain't no Vacation. This is the serious business of spending money. Don't worry about HOW much money you spend, that's all taken care of. Cartels of Stanford MBAs already know how much you WILL spend so they can keep those moist piles of cash in the safe fat and tall. Oh no, sir, you don't need to worry about how much you'll spend, we've got THAT calculated. Just tell us what you'd like. Just go over to the ATM, hit "Fast Cash," and you're all set here.
The Vegas Dictum is make 'em think they're Kings, and you can charge 'em a King's ransom. Hell, that's how any business that caters to our class works, 'cause we all hate being middle-class. No one wants to be middle-class, and no one wants to be middle-class in Vegas. That's why every place treats you like you're Frank himself. You just flew in on your Leer Jet, ready to drop a few grand on a fast roll at craps, "Oh, $180 a night for a room, no problem! Didn't you know I'm a HIGH-ROLLER! Says right here on my AAA card, missy!" We WANT to be the person who buys a $40,000 SUV because WE CAN, who buys $80 t-shirts BECAUSE WE CAN, who spends $10 on a drink BECAUSE WE CAN...
...drink one Gin and Tonic with extra lime, two Whiskey Sours, one Margaritta, one Manhatan, two more Gin and Tonics, another Margaritta, one White Russian, and smoke 7 Bering #8 Premium Cigars in a blazing five hours of craps, blackjack, slots, and stories of men with a million dollars and a .45 in a black leather briefcase, until you think Vegas makes sense, and you stand in front of Ceasar's Palace holding your crotch like it was a mesage from God, like you're some sort of Shoalinmuthafucka--THAT'S when you know you're an American with five Carrier Groups ready to char anyone that thinks they can hike the price of our gas 10 cents a gallon just any old time they want..
Vegas!
Just hand over your Visa or MasterCard 'cause thinking you can scam Vegas is like thinking you can scam the IRS. Sooner or later they'll get your ass, and when they do, they'll bash on your head like a crazed ATF Agent, blitzed on PCP, striped down to his GODBLESSTHEUSOFFUCKINA speedos until you cough up the cash. No one wins in Tax Court, and no one wins in Vegas Court.
I'm not bitter, kid, I liked it, I loved it, like any good Southern Gentleman would. You just remember, that when you get to Vegas...and you will...when it's all said and done around 6 AM, and the only reason you stopped was 'cause you couldn't get that PIC pinched in just right...you just rememer: check-out time is at 10 AM, and Vegas Court has no mercy for the ATMless.